


The Love We Deserve

by romeoandjulietyouwish



Series: Lis Writes 9-1-1 [11]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up Talk, Car Accidents, Caring Eddie Diaz, Crying, Eddie Diaz Needs a Hug (9-1-1 TV), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Established Relationship, Happy Ending, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Protective Eddie Diaz, Sad Evan "Buck" Buckley, Upset Evan "Buck" Buckley, Worried Eddie Diaz, but not really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-22
Updated: 2020-05-22
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:40:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24327415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/romeoandjulietyouwish/pseuds/romeoandjulietyouwish
Summary: Buck's been acting off lately and Eddie sets out to find out why.Prompt: “You love me as if I deserve you.”
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: Lis Writes 9-1-1 [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1725208
Comments: 8
Kudos: 346





	The Love We Deserve

Eddie prides himself on his ability to read others. It is especially handy on calls where he can say the right thing to keep the person he’s trying to help calm. But it is even more helpful when it comes to his boyfriend. 

Buck wears his heart on his sleeve, he always has, but there are some things Buck tries so desperately to hide from the light of the world. 

Eddie notices that Buck starts hiding his feelings more, using smiles and jokes to disguise obvious hurt and pain boiling beneath the surface. At first, Eddie tries to fix the problem, he gently asks if something is wrong, only to be met with a confused look and Buck saying that everything is just peachy. When that doesn’t work, Eddie moves onto his plan b: giving Buck more affection, trying to draw him out to tell him what’s going on. 

The thing about Buck is that he has never been shy with his affection and how tactile he is. Eddie will often wake up in the mornings to find Buck curled completely around him and Buck will hold his hand, kiss his cheek, hug him no matter where they are. Which is why it worries Eddie when his boyfriend starts pulling away from him and tensing when he touches him. So Eddie pulls back on his affection. When Eddie asks if Buck is alright he will just smile and say everything is fine. 

Buck has never been a good liar. 

Eddie runs in his mind over and over again what could possibly be wrong, but he can’t come up with a single thing. He thought he and Buck were good, that they had overcome all their issues when they confessed their feelings. Obviously that was wrong. Abuela would tell him that he needs to stop seeing the world in black and white, and she’s right.

“You should just talk to him,” Hen tells him, squeezing his leg. They’re sitting in the living room of the firehouse, the team all pitching in to give Eddie much needed advice. “Ask him what’s going on. Waiting for him to come to you is never going to work with him.”

“She’s right,” Bobby tells him from where he sits on the couch. “Buck will never admit he’s hurting until someone makes him.” 

Eddie sighs, “I tried to talk to him, but he just keeps telling me that everything is okay. But then he keeps being distant.” Eddie shakes his head, “I don’t think I’ve hugged him in a week.” 

“Oh,” Hen is taken aback, it’s well known in the 118 that Buck thrives on affection. 

“I’m so worried about him,” Eddie admits. Eddie over at Hen and Chim pleadingly, “What if he’s going to break up with me? What if that’s what this is about?” 

“Eddie...” Bobby sits down beside Eddie and squeezes his shoulder. “I’m sure that’s not it. Buck loves you so much.” 

Eddie nods and wipes his eyes, “I know, I know. I just...I’m so worried.” 

“I know,” Hen says, leaning across to him. “But you need to talk to him.” She checks her watch, “His shift is about to end, why don’t you go catch him before he leaves?”

  
Eddie nods again, “Okay, yeah, you’re right. I’ll go.” Chim pats him on the back as he walks past him. As Eddie jogs down the stairs and he sees Buck tossing his bag over his shoulder. “Buck! Hold up!” Buck turns around, smiling when he sees Eddie. Eddie feels a piercing cold in his chest when he discovers that the smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes. 

“What’s up?” Buck asks when Eddie is standing in front of him. 

“Can we talk?”

Buck frowns, “We can talk at home can’t we?” 

Eddie shakes his head, “My shift doesn’t end until tomorrow morning and I just want to talk before then.” Buck nods for him to continue. “What’s going on with you?” Eddie asks gently. “I can tell that you’ve been upset these past few weeks and you keep telling me you’re fine-”

“I am-”

“You’re not,” Eddie insists. “Buck, please tell me what’s wrong. I’m really worried about you.”

Buck sighs and looks up at the ceiling before looking down at his shoes and takes a deep breath. “I’ve just been feeling…” Buck abandons that train of thought and instead says, “I’ve been noticing things about our relationship recently and I guess it’s been making me act a little off around you, I’m sorry.” 

Eddie frowns, “Like what? Buck, what are you talking about?” 

Buck takes a long breath, “You love me as if I deserve you.” He says it with such conviction that Eddie instantly knows that Buck believes this to be true. 

“Buck,” Eddie’s voice is unbearably soft as he brings his hand up to touch Buck’s cheek where tears are already starting to fall. “You do deserve-” Before Eddie can say anything more, Buck steps out of his reach, Eddie’s hand falling between them. 

“Don’t lie to me, Eds. I have never deserved you.” Buck bites his lip as the tears just keep falling and Eddie finds his eyes misty as well. “You are such a good man, a veteran, and a damn good firefighter. And I-I’m...not.” Eddie is just about to jump in and protest, but Buck says, “I didn’t want to do this here, but I don’t think I can do this anymore.” Eddie’s heart grows heavy in his chest. Does he really mean that? “I can’t keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and waiting for you to realize how much of a fuck up I am. I’m sorry, Eddie.” Buck lets his head drop as he turns to walk out of the station. 

“Buck, wait!” Eddie grabs his hand, fighting back his tears. He has to make this right. “Please don’t go, let’s talk. Okay? Let’s figure out what’s going on in here.” Eddie taps Buck’s temple. When Buck just looks at him blankly, Eddie says, “I love you, Evan.” 

“Don’t,” Buck says, wincing as if the words have caused him physical pain. “Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.” 

“You’re not breaking up with me, Evan Buckley,” Eddie’s voice is strong though his eyes are filled with tears. The love of his life is about to leave him. “We’re in this together. I need you, Chris needs you.” 

Buck gives him a sad smile, “No, you don’t. I love you too, Eddie. But I’m-I’m not the man you deserve.” He shakes himself out of Eddie’s grasp and starts walking towards the doors of the station once more, taking Eddie’s heart with him. 

“Yes, you are!” Eddie shouts after him. “Please, Buck.” 

Buck doesn’t turn around and the second the door closes behind him, Eddie falls to his knees sobbing. Hen is at his side in an instant, pulling him and holding him as he sobs. Eddie’s chest hurts so much, how can Buck think that? Of course Buck deserves him. Buck is the only man he has ever loved, how can he do this to him? Did Eddie do something or say something to make Buck think like that?

Eddie distantly notices that Bobby and Chim are kneeling beside him as well, all three of them hugging him. Eddie lets the team hold him as he desperately sobs. The love of his life is gone.

“Shh,” Hen soothes, running her hand through his hair. “You’re okay.” 

Eddie shakes his head, “No, I’m not.” 

Bobby hauls him up and hugs Eddie tightly. Eddie clings to him soaking in any comfort offered to him. He can feel the rumbles in Bobby’s chest as he talks, but Eddie doesn’t hear a word of it. He wants Buck to burst through the doors and pull him into his arms and tell him that everything will be okay. But Eddie knows that won’t happen.

The bell rings. 

Bobby looks down at Eddie apprehensively, “Kid...”

“I’m coming,” Eddie jumps to his feet along with the rest of the team, ignoring the worried looks they all give him. Eddie takes a deep breath, “Please, Bobby. I don’t have to help just let me come.” 

Bobby sighs, “Get in the truck.”

* * *

“Okay, guys,” Bobby looks over the back of his seat. Hen has her hand in Eddie’s, running her thumb in soft circles on the back of his hand. “We have a car crash, driver one was t-boned in the middle of an intersection by driver two. Bystander called 9-1-1, said driver one is not responding but is still alive and driver two is perfectly fine except for a broken nose.” The team nods in understanding. And not even five minutes later, they arrive. “Okay, let’s go!” 

Hen and Chim rush out first, checking over the driver still in the car. As Eddie starts to follow them, he feels all the air seize from his lungs. That’s Buck’s jeep. Bobby grabs him around the waist to keep him from falling. 

“Cap!” Chim calls from where he stands by the passenger side window of the totaled car, his face distraught. “It’s Buck!” 

“Eddie,” Bobby says lowly. “Why don’t you go sit in the truck-”

“I need to help,” Eddie interrupts. “Please, cap. Let me help him.”

Bobby sighs, “Okay.” With Bobby’s blessing, Eddie runs over to the car nearly falling again when he sees Buck through the passenger side window. He’s unconscious, his head is lolled against his neck and his face is coated with blood from the broken glass. Eddie can see that the door is crushed into Buck’s left side. 

“Eddie, get the jaws!” Bobby orders, pulling the firefighter out of his reverie. Eddie stumbles into motion, running back to the truck and pulling the hatch open to grab the jaws. As his feet pound against the asphalt, Eddie forces himself to breathe, to think of this as any other accident, not one involving the love of his life who may or may not have broken up with him not even an hour ago.

As Bobby slots the jaws in the door, Eddie steps back, silently praying for Buck to be alright. He just needs to live, that’s all. Eddie can live without him, he can live with Buck breaking up with him. He can’t live with Buck being gone. 

Buck groans as the door is pulled away from him, “E-Ed...” Buck tries to say. 

Eddie is at his side the second the door falls away, taking Buck’s hand, “I’m right here, Evan.” 

“I-I’m so-sorry,” Buck manages to say, his voice so quiet Eddie has to strain to hear him. Just as Buck mutters the final syllable, he goes slack in his seat. 

“Buck!” Eddie exclaims, he tries to move closer to his boyfriend, but Bobby grabs him by the waist and drags him away to let Hen and Chim get to Buck. Eddie fights Bobby, pulling against him to try to get back, Buck needs him, he’s hurt. 

But Bobby doesn’t let go. He keeps his grip tight, allowing Eddie to watch what’s happening, but not interfere. 

Buck is lifted out of the car and placed on the backboard, Hen and Chim count to three before rushing to the ambulance. Only then does Bobby let Eddie go and jump into the ambulance after them. 

Eddie stares down at Buck, not even daring to breathe as Hen starts taking care of him. He grabs Buck’s hand and squeezes, hoping that Buck will return the gesture. He doesn’t.

* * *

Buck wakes up slowly. His body feels like his veins are filled with lead, though his head feels warm and soft. He thinks the room is silent, but then he hears an annoying little beeping. Buck scrunches up his nose, someone should turn that off. 

He blinks his eyes open to find himself in a brightly lit hospital room. At first he thinks the room is empty but when he looks to his right he sees Eddie, fast asleep with his head pillowed on the bed beside him. Eddie’s hand is in his own and from the looks of him he’s been there for a while. 

And Buck remembers everything. 

Their fight, him leaving, the car crash. Pain runs through his chest, but Buck knows that it’s a manifestation of his emotional turmoil, rather than true pain. He told Eddie he was done, that they were done. Buck has never regretted something more than those words. But his reason for them still rings true. 

Buck tentatively reaches out and touches Eddie’s cheek. When Eddie doesn’t stir, Buck moves his hand through Eddie’s hair, a trick he has used many times and he knows it is one of the only ways to wake Eddie up without him being grumpy. Sure enough, Eddie starts making his soft waking up noises. 

Eddie lifts his head groggily and when he sees Buck awake and looking down at him, he sits straight upright. “Buck,” he breathes almost reverently. Then before Buck knows what’s happening, Eddie is on top of him, hugging him tightly. Buck tentatively returns the embrace, not knowing if his touch will be welcome after what he said. 

But Eddie just cries into his shoulder, “I thought you were dead, Evan. I-I saw you in the car and I could only think about how our last words would have been fighting and I could never forgive myself if you were to die without knowing how much I love you.” 

“Eds,” Buck tries. But Eddie just shakes his head and sits up, taking Buck’s hands and ignoring his falling tears. 

“Buck, you do deserve me,” Eddie looks straight into Buck’s eyes. 

“Do we have to do this now?” Buck protests. 

Eddie gives him a look, “Are you in any pain?” Buck shakes his head. “Then we’re doing this now when you can’t run away, and because I thought you were dead.” 

Buck sighs and shakes his head, “I’m sorry-”

Eddie rolls his eyes, “Don’t try to apologize for almost dying.”

Buck takes Eddie’s hand to quiet him. “Listen, Eddie. You’re-you’re a great man, you’re a veteran and a damn good dad. Who am I compared to you? I don’t deserve you.”

“You’re the love of my life,” Eddie says simply. He puts a hand on Buck’s cheek and makes Buck look at him. “You’re a badass firefighter with a big heart. You wear your emotions on your sleeve and you are a hero.” Eddie taps Buck’s chest. “You are a great dad to my son-”

“I’m not-”

“I’m not done yet,” Eddie shushes him. “You are a hero, Evan Buckley. You have helped so many people and you are my best friend. I love you so much even if you take too many risks and get yourself landed in the hospital far too many times for my taste, I love you. You deserve me, Evan. You always will.” Eddie uses his thumb to wipe away some of Buck’s tears. Buck reaches up and holds onto Eddie’s wrist as he starts to cry in earnest. Eddie softens and opens his arms for Buck to fall into.

He holds onto his boyfriend tightly as Buck sobs heavily into his chest, “You really mean that?” Buck says.

Eddie nods, “Of course, amor. I mean every word. You and Chris mean the world to me. I hate that you thought that you’re not enough for me but I’m here to help you.”

“Thank you,” Buck sits up a moment later, using the heels of his hands to mop up his tears. “I love you too.” Eddie smiles and gives Buck a soft kiss.

“What’s the damage?” Buck asks looking down at himself and sighing.

Eddie sighs, “Two broken ribs, grade two concussion, some cuts and bruises.” Eddie smiles, “You were really lucky. Feel any pain?”

Buck nods, “A little bit. I don’t think crying helped.” 

Eddie gives him a gentle smile, “I’m sure it didn’t.” He presses the call button for the nurse and after she comes and delivers Buck more pain meds, Buck relaxes back into the bed. 

“I know a few people who are waiting very patiently outside to come and see you,” Eddie says with a smile. “Including a very worried little boy.” 

Buck smiles at that, “You can bring them in.” Eddie squeezes his hand and gets up to do so, but stops just before he gets to the door.

Turning around to face Buck again, Eddie asks, “Are we okay?”

Buck nods, “Yeah, I think we are.” 

It takes time, months even, for Buck to truly believe that he is deserving of his life. But in the end he is grateful for his family and for Eddie who keeps picking him up when he falls. 

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos make my day :D
> 
> Tumblr- @evanbuckley-heartofgold


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